Get - O - Life

Boundaries are not about control. You have no control whatsoever over another person's behavior and you must know and accept that. You do have control over your own behavior and as limited as it may seem at any given time, he has control over his behavior.

 

When you set up boundaries like "I will not leave you alone with any child as long as you are un-medicated" you are actually giving all of the power to him-he gets to choose whether he wants to take medication and spend time alone with his child or whether he prefers to remain un-medicated.

 

That's his choice-you aren't telling him what to do or what choice to make, you are simply clarifying what the options are. You and I and your neighbors and probably even your husband when he's rational know that this is the only way to keep everyone safe.

Honestly, all boundaries are like this-you are giving HIM all of the POWER. But you are doing it by letting him know what his choices are and what you will do when he makes choices that affect you. If he understands the options, he can make whatever choice he prefers and deal with the consequences of that choice. At least he knows what those consequences look like up front.

It is perfectly valid to set boundaries without actually mentioning them-for example, you need to know with some certainty where the line is that will force you to obtain a restraining order or press charges. Otherwise, it is easy to let that line move little by little to the point where you or your children may be seriously injured. You don't need to tell him where this line is, but you do need to know.

You don't have to feel bad about setting reasonable boundaries. It's not like you are saying-I'm mad at you so I'm not letting you spend time with my daughter-you are giving him the choice.  We can only hope and pray that he chooses wisely.